Today is my 25th wedding anniversary.
Twenty-five years feels both incredibly long and surprisingly short.
People often ask what the biggest decisions of a career are.
Should I take the promotion?
Change companies?
Go back to school?
Start the business?
But one of the biggest career decisions I ever made never appeared on a resume.
The person you choose to build your life with will influence every career decision that follows.
They’ll shape the risks you’re willing to take.
The dreams you’ll believe are possible.
How you recover from failure.
Whether success feels lonely or shared.
As I reflect on twenty-five years of marriage and partnership, I want to share three leadership lessons.
Choose someone who expands your imagination
My husband is the ideas guy.
He’ll casually suggest something that initially sounds ridiculous.
Once I’ve gotten over my initial reaction of “that’s crazy!”, I’ve already researched three options, priced them out, and figured out how we’d actually do it. I’m the one who turns ideas into plans.
Sometimes his ideas need tempering. Like the time he suggested we do a full bathroom remodel (ourselves!) while I was on maternity leave with our third child.
Sometimes my practicality needs stretching. My instinct is often to list all the reasons something won’t work. He’s often the one reminding me to ask a different question: What if it could?
Together we’ve built a life neither of us would have created alone.
Looking back, I don’t think either of us was “right.” His optimism without my execution would have remained ideas. My execution without his imagination would have kept producing versions of what I already knew was possible.
Leadership isn’t about surrounding yourself with people who validate your thinking. It’s about surrounding yourself with people who stretch it.
Looking back, some of the biggest opportunities in my career started exactly the same way his ideas did. They felt just a little beyond what I thought was possible.
Choose someone who tells you the truth
The people who love you most shouldn’t only applaud you.
They should also be willing to tell you when you’re playing small...
making excuses...
avoiding something difficult...
or convincing yourself that “good enough” is enough.
When I was interviewing as I returned to the workforce, I found myself downplaying what I’d actually done. Shrinking my own experience before anyone else had the chance to. I asked my husband to run mock interviews with me. Partway through, he stopped me: “That’s not how you talk about what you built. Say it like you know what it’s worth.” He helped me see my experience from a place of strength, not a place of apology.
It’s hard hearing that kind of feedback. Being called out always is. But when you know it comes from a place of caring, and from someone who believes in you, it stops feeling like criticism. It starts feeling like someone refusing to let you settle for less than what’s true.
It takes real trust for someone to risk telling you something you don’t want to hear. That kind of honesty is a gift.
Looking back, every meaningful career leap I’ve made started with someone refusing to let me settle for a smaller version of myself.
Choose someone who makes you shine
The best relationships don’t ask you to become someone else.
They create the space for you to become more fully yourself.
Who are you the most yourself with? When you like yourself the most, who are you with?
Once I was on the phone with my husband – long before we were married, or even dating. My roommate and best friend at the time overheard my side of the conversation. After I hung up, she asked who I was talking to. I vividly remember what she shared. She said I sounded different. Happy. Alive. Like the most me version of me.
I didn’t even see it myself. She saw it first. I’ve never forgotten that conversation.
That sense of aliveness matters more than we acknowledge in our careers. The best leaders I’ve known, the best teams I’ve been part of, share something with the best relationships: they don’t require you to shrink or perform or become a more palatable version of yourself. They create the conditions where you actually show up more fully. Where you just naturally shine.
Pay attention to who draws that version of you out. In your life. In your work. In the relationships you build. And in the rooms you choose to stay in, or have the courage to leave.
The environments where I’ve done my best work have felt remarkably similar to the best relationships. They weren’t the places where I tried the hardest to fit in. They were places where I could show up fully as myself.
Who You Become
Looking back over twenty-five years, I’m not most grateful for the vacations or the milestones.
I’m most grateful that I had someone beside me while I became several different versions of myself.
Engineer.
Tech Leader.
Stay-at-home mom.
Nonprofit founder.
Executive.
Coach.
Entrepreneur.
Writer.
None of those women existed when we got married. The right partner doesn’t keep you the same. They encourage you to evolve and give you space to find that next chapter and version of yourself.
Whether your partner is a spouse, a friend, a mentor, a sibling, or someone else entirely...
Pay attention to the people who shape who you become.
Do they make your world smaller? Or bigger?
Do they make you quieter? Or braver?
Do they make you feel like you need to become someone different… Or more fully yourself?
The people closest to us don’t just influence what we do. They shape who we become.
We often talk about carving our own path.
And we should.
But here’s something twenty-five years has taught me:
Sometimes the most important paths aren’t carved alone. They’re carved alongside someone who reminds you, again and again, that you’re capable of more than you can currently see in yourself.
Wow. Tracy, I wish I'd had that kind of insight about my own husband when he was still living, not to mention myself! I love the fact that you've thought through so much about the dynamics of your relationship! And, happy 25th!
Great post ! Happy Anniversary both!